Thankful

I have debated for awhile on how and when to write this post. For me, sharing my life has always been therapeutic for me, and the thought of helping others in a similar situation makes it easier.

In early January we found out we would be having baby number three. We were nervous, anxious, excited. The thought of having another rough pregnancy was scary, but we have always wanted more kids and we were excited.

Early in my pregnancy I had some intense cramping. The doctor had me come in that day and did an ultrasound. It was too early to see a baby, but they found a large cyst on my left ovary that didn't seem problematic, just annoying. After testing my HCG levels, we found that it doubled every 48 hours and was where it was supposed to be. I felt relief, but knew I would be cautiously excited until I saw a baby on that screen.

Over the next month I became very sick, just like my pregnancy with Desmond. My doctor was able to prescribe me the same meds that I took when I got really sick with Desmond. On one hand, I hate getting sick but on the the other, it's a reminder that your body is doing what it is supposed to in order to support a pregnancy.

On February 8th we had our first official prenatal appointment. My doctor informed us that I would be considered high risk this pregnancy because of all the complications we had with Desmond. He decided to send me over to a high risk doctor the next to week to determine if I would need a cerclage and they would both basically be my doctors for my pregnancy.

After meeting with him, I was sent over for my ultrasound. As soon as the tech pulled everything up on the screen, we knew something wasn't right. She wasn't saying anything, and we could clearly see that there was an empty sac. She kept moving around and I finally asked her what she was looking for. She said the baby wasn't where it was supposed to be, so she was trying to see if she could find it.

It was at that moment that we knew our baby had not made it.

The next couple days were sad and a little scary. Because of the cyst on my ovary, they could not see in my tube to know if the baby was there. They decided to test my HCG levels once more. If the levels were low (around 100-300), the possibility was that the baby never developed properly. If the levels were much higher than that, the possibility was that I had an ectopic pregnancy. The next morning I went in to find that my levels were 30,000. Not good news. The doctor could not 100% rule out that the baby was in my tube. He did not know if he would need to take my left ovary and tube. I needed surgery.

The next night, I was admitted for surgery. The procedure was laproscopic. The first good news we had received all week was that the surgery had the best possible outcome. They removed a cyst the size of a large orange from my ovary and found that the baby was not in the tube. It appeared the baby never developed, but everything else did: gestational sac, placenta, etc. This was why my levels were so high. Because of this, I also required a D&C.

Since the procedure a week ago, I have been recovering, with my wonderful husband taking care of me. We have had so many friends and family in Fort Wayne step up to take care of us. Today was the first day we made dinner ourselves in nearly two weeks.

I believe that God has a plan for my life. I know that what happens in my life, happens for a reason. I was so excited to add to our family, but for whatever reason, it just wasn't time. If anything, this experience has made me more thankful-thankful for my husband, who I have grown so much closer to in the past two weeks, who took care of me and washed my hair when I couldn't, who held me in pre-op when I finally broke down. I'm thankful for my friends and family who brought me dinners, gave me hugs, and watched my kids. I'm thankful for my children, who's giggles and smiles and kisses have given me so much happiness in the midst of so much pain.

Mostly, I'm thankful for Jesus, who's peace has washed over me and given me the strength to be a good mom and wife in these circumstances. I am disappointed for our loss, but this has not devastated my world. And I am thankful for all the prayers that have been lifted up for us, because without them I wouldn't have that peace that only Jesus can provide.

I write this not only for myself, but to tell you that there is promise and hope. There is light on the other side. I may not understand why these things happen in life, but I have hope knowing that my God directs my path and holds me in His hands. He mourns with me. And He rejoices with me. He pours his love over me.

He has given me so much to be thankful for. So thankful I will be.



“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

SNOW!

This past week, we enjoyed playing out in the snow with the kids. It has been SUPER cold here, but we all bundled up and headed outside.




Keyana even decided to be extra loving to Desmond (even if it does look like she has him in a choke-hold



The kids really like for Shane to pull them around the yard on the sled. I think Shane is looking forward to the day when the kids can pull each other around!



And really, the best part for Keyana is eating the snow. But don't worry, we've taught her all the rules about eating dirty snow, especially the yellow kind. Yuck.




Apart from all the snow, we've been fighting off a terrible cold in the Kohns house. Shane came down with it first and missed some work this week, and it has since been making its rounds.

This coming week will be very exciting. Shane and I are having a great time getting to know some new people (and some old friends) as we have become a part of a new small group through our church. Keyana is also very excited about a field trip to the circus on Friday. Shane and I are also looking forward to having a date night this weekend. It has been entirely too long since we have been out together!

Remember to enjoy life and those around you!

Has it really been that long???

I must say, my blog posting the last several months has been very disappointing. So much has happened that I must catch you up quickly.

1. I gained a new brother when my sister, Frances, married Dave in SC on Labor Day weekend.

2. Shane and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. Don't we just look like little babies here?

3. I began volunteering with the youth at our church in September and have began making some great friendships.

4. I completed another semester of college.

5. I gained a new sister when Shane's brother Justin married Elizabeth in December.

6. We enjoyed spending holidays with our family down in NC.

2011 has started off to be a great year. We have so much to be thankful for. This week I started back to school. I am again taking 12 hours and completing a one-hour class that I had to leave unfinished after becoming sick with mono last semester. We are excited about what this year has to bring and I even made a couple resolutions. I share them with you so that you could help hold me accountable and maybe join me on the journey.

1. After years and years of trying, to actually STOP biting my nails.

2. I will not be buying any new clothes this year. If the kids need bigger sizes, we will search for hand-me-downs and then ransack our nearest consignment shop for awesome deals.

3. I am committing to eating out once a week, at most. Picking something up every other day is so easy with my hectic schedule, but 2011 is a year to save money for us and I am determined to make some changes.

4. I WILL BLOG. My goal is to blog at least once weekly....who knows, maybe I'll even blog more.

So, not a whole lot but it's something. I look forward to all the growth that will happen in my life in 2011 and making the commitment to grow closer to God and my family. I hope you will join me on this journey.

-EAK