Thankful

I have debated for awhile on how and when to write this post. For me, sharing my life has always been therapeutic for me, and the thought of helping others in a similar situation makes it easier.

In early January we found out we would be having baby number three. We were nervous, anxious, excited. The thought of having another rough pregnancy was scary, but we have always wanted more kids and we were excited.

Early in my pregnancy I had some intense cramping. The doctor had me come in that day and did an ultrasound. It was too early to see a baby, but they found a large cyst on my left ovary that didn't seem problematic, just annoying. After testing my HCG levels, we found that it doubled every 48 hours and was where it was supposed to be. I felt relief, but knew I would be cautiously excited until I saw a baby on that screen.

Over the next month I became very sick, just like my pregnancy with Desmond. My doctor was able to prescribe me the same meds that I took when I got really sick with Desmond. On one hand, I hate getting sick but on the the other, it's a reminder that your body is doing what it is supposed to in order to support a pregnancy.

On February 8th we had our first official prenatal appointment. My doctor informed us that I would be considered high risk this pregnancy because of all the complications we had with Desmond. He decided to send me over to a high risk doctor the next to week to determine if I would need a cerclage and they would both basically be my doctors for my pregnancy.

After meeting with him, I was sent over for my ultrasound. As soon as the tech pulled everything up on the screen, we knew something wasn't right. She wasn't saying anything, and we could clearly see that there was an empty sac. She kept moving around and I finally asked her what she was looking for. She said the baby wasn't where it was supposed to be, so she was trying to see if she could find it.

It was at that moment that we knew our baby had not made it.

The next couple days were sad and a little scary. Because of the cyst on my ovary, they could not see in my tube to know if the baby was there. They decided to test my HCG levels once more. If the levels were low (around 100-300), the possibility was that the baby never developed properly. If the levels were much higher than that, the possibility was that I had an ectopic pregnancy. The next morning I went in to find that my levels were 30,000. Not good news. The doctor could not 100% rule out that the baby was in my tube. He did not know if he would need to take my left ovary and tube. I needed surgery.

The next night, I was admitted for surgery. The procedure was laproscopic. The first good news we had received all week was that the surgery had the best possible outcome. They removed a cyst the size of a large orange from my ovary and found that the baby was not in the tube. It appeared the baby never developed, but everything else did: gestational sac, placenta, etc. This was why my levels were so high. Because of this, I also required a D&C.

Since the procedure a week ago, I have been recovering, with my wonderful husband taking care of me. We have had so many friends and family in Fort Wayne step up to take care of us. Today was the first day we made dinner ourselves in nearly two weeks.

I believe that God has a plan for my life. I know that what happens in my life, happens for a reason. I was so excited to add to our family, but for whatever reason, it just wasn't time. If anything, this experience has made me more thankful-thankful for my husband, who I have grown so much closer to in the past two weeks, who took care of me and washed my hair when I couldn't, who held me in pre-op when I finally broke down. I'm thankful for my friends and family who brought me dinners, gave me hugs, and watched my kids. I'm thankful for my children, who's giggles and smiles and kisses have given me so much happiness in the midst of so much pain.

Mostly, I'm thankful for Jesus, who's peace has washed over me and given me the strength to be a good mom and wife in these circumstances. I am disappointed for our loss, but this has not devastated my world. And I am thankful for all the prayers that have been lifted up for us, because without them I wouldn't have that peace that only Jesus can provide.

I write this not only for myself, but to tell you that there is promise and hope. There is light on the other side. I may not understand why these things happen in life, but I have hope knowing that my God directs my path and holds me in His hands. He mourns with me. And He rejoices with me. He pours his love over me.

He has given me so much to be thankful for. So thankful I will be.



“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28